I'm moving on over---to wordpress.com. Why? Because I like that it is not associated with my google account. If someone else is on my computer and goes to google they can see my blog and access it. I don't like that, so i moved...to

http://jjt1.wordpress.com/

Savannah coming home tomorrow

Savannah's probation officer called and she plans to release her tomorrow. I visited her on Sunday and she sounded and looked good; sounded positive and like she understood that she had to change. Lisa said the same thing. Will it work this time? Who knows how long she will stay on track.

I have to start building her self-esteem, but i don'tknow how. She is so smart--why won't she do better in school? What can we do for her to help her finish her school work and pass all of her classes? Threats don't work, obviously; bribes don't really work either because once she has recieved the promised thing, she goes back to normal the very next day. I can't continually give her something for work that is expected---that can't be building selfesteem.

I don't know what to do for her. My boss suggested I put her in charge of something. we do the march of dimes walk every year; maybe if i put her in charge of building our webpage, blogging and finding donors she would like that (i doubt it).

She is so beautiful when she tries. When she cut her hair last year so short it really affected her self esteem even more. Now, it continaully looks like shit and so she feels that nothing she does will detract from that.
when she tries to look nice she does. When she tries to be happy she is. When she tries to be good, she is wonderful.

I want to cry for her everytime i think about what kind of life she has had over the last few years.
She looks up to AJ so much, she can't be normal because he is so abnormal and she wants to be just like him.

Todd is no help at all with them; he hasnt called since I told him she was in. he didn't even ask if he could call her or anything. he hasn't called or talked to AJ in months. How could i have ever thought he was a decent man? How stupid i was.

CARE about Prematurity

http://www.care.org/getinvolved/girleffect/

This is an extremely cool video about the power of girls and women.

i'm a bad mom, football more important than bedtime.

It is almost 11 pm and Kati is laying beside me on the couch crying because she is so tired, but i am watching the last two minutes of the giants/eagles came and really wanting the eagles to beat the hell out of those giants.

I am 10-3 so far this weekend; one more game and i will beat the dad and the boys.

GO EAGLES!

WE LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!

Kati and I celebrated a little mommy/kati time today and went to the movies to see Madagascar: Escape to Africa. I heard Gene Shalit review it and he was soooo right. I laughed along with the other parents ten times more than Kati did. The hipppo chick Gloria has a new love interest who is hilarious...and the penguins are in fine form.
Kati and I have been singing "I like to move it move it, she likes to move it move it, we like to move it move it--MOVE IT" I have to get the soundtrack to this movie!

We have all been listening to my ipod in the morning with Savannah's playlist--a burst of inspirational savvy! Another one bites the dust, bohemian rapsody, pretty young thing, journey, shake your booty, lots of fun wake up early morning songs. It is fun to sing and dance with the girls in the car in the mornings.

I saw Savannah today. She seems more positive than i have ever seen her while she is in detention. She only called Jason a cock-sucker one time! ONE TIME!

I was up at 1 am crying about her. Finally got up for some constructive computer/tv time.

I stayed in my pj's from Friday afternoon at 3:30 until today at 1:30. What a wonderful way to spend a weekend. I got a lot done, but not enough and now i need to be getting more laundry folded rather than blogging and emailing and facebooking...(new verb)!

my favorite quote right now: You must have chaos within yourself to give birth to a dancing star--i think this is from Nitche? Too lazy to check spelling right now---anyway, i love my two dancing stars.

Kati has no idea where Savannah is; she rarely mentions it and i think is relieved to have some time alone with me without all the stress Savannah and I create.

Yesterday we watched "My Dog Skip" and she laid in my lap and cried through the last 15 minutes. We played dominoes but she got mad because my attention was on another movie so she ended up playing by herself.

We cleaned her closet together and made a huge pile of stuffed animals similar to ET in one half and she has to touch each animal as it says "yes" or "no" or "hi" to me while i arrange them in the order they prefer--so they can sit by their friends. The sole purpose of her barbies or high school musical dolls is to ride one of the 30 small horses she owns.

I don't want her to grow up. Right now she wants to be a rodeo girl when she grows up and I never want that to change.

Compassion for Savannah-

Savannah is 14. She is in jail tonight and will be for the next 5 days. She yells and screams and cusses and sometimes refuses to do the simplest things---like clean the living room. She hates her sister and hates me--hates the world except for her friends who tell her to stop taking her medicine so she will be the old Savannah. The old Savannah gets thrown in jail; the old Savannah bites her mother; the old Savannah smokes pot to escape. Why do her friends want this person back who laughs inappropriately and stays up all night shaking, crying and cutting. Why can't she see that that person will never be successful and will never have true friends--will always be ostracized. Will always have fresh scars on her beautiful legs and arms.

My dad asked me last night why he should care about Savannah--what she has done to deserve his respect or support?

SHE IS 14!!! She takes showers alone in the dark because she hates herself so much. She wakes in the night with nightmares about men raping her; she hears voices constantly around her whispering behind her back that she is worthless; she cuts herself with knives, razor blades, even forks and has even used the edge of our metal roof; she puts cigarettes out on her arms and legs; she cries and cries and cries because she rarely keeps friends for more than a month at a time; the nice kids parents will not let their kids be friends with her; she scores PERFECT on her taks tests but when medicated she sleeps all day and ends up failing every class. She wants to, and has attempted suicide. She refuses to wash her face and hair or wear clean clothes, but continually calls herself ugly.

She is in a pit of despair and I don't know how to help her. She was my beautiful, blond, dancing, singing, laughing, creative, genius daughter and I miss her---but i still respect and support and LOVE this little girl who needs support and love and encouragement from those around her despite her words and actions that are only meant to harm herself and push people away.

It is working. On most days I know I am not the only who still loves her, but I also know that I am the only one that can forgive her.

On many days i wonder if anyone else will ever understand and remember that she is just a little girl.